It’s the social media scroll at midnight when you’re laying in your bed alone (insomnia), the endless mirror stares that feel like 5 minutes but turned out to be 30 (depression). It’s the perplexing energy that your coworker displays on a Monday morning (fatigue), the tight spandex you watch get swallowed by the hot girls ass (insecurity), that perfect little family you don’t have developing before your eyes (jealousy), the people who have a gazillion friends compared to your one… that make you feel fucking lonely, useless, or worse, unsuccessful (anxiety).

WHOA. Guys. Rewind real quick. Interestingly enough, I wrote this paragraph during the summer and never finished it. I was definitely in a dark place, and as disturbing as it might be, I still feel the value in my message that I want to flip into a positive. So, listen up. You do not need silver or gold. What do I mean by this phrase? Honestly, when I first created the title of this post, feeling all the hate I could muster, I wrote it with the intent to display how being alone isn’t an issue, and I don’t need anyone except myself. *cough* WRONG. Looking back at this mini paragraph, it shocks my core to see how angry and corrupted my thoughts were at this time. And, mind you, this barely scratches the surface of all the other messed up feelings I battle (and still battle) everyday; guilt, shame, self-hate, malice exc… you see the pattern here.

So, what does the title mean NOW? In Acts 3:6, Peter said, “Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.” In this biblical story, Peter and John come across a lame man, who could not walk and begged daily for money outside the temple doors. Peter extends his hand to the lame man and helps him stand, gifting him with the ability to walk inside the temple, and God cures him of his deficiency. Now, in the text, the literal meaning of silver and gold is a reference to money, that of which the lame man was begging for since he did not have the ability to walk, and therefore, could not work. BUT, the undertone of the text, when it comes to silver and gold, is much more complex in its meaning.

Silver and gold are both symbolic of the possessions, the materials, the earthly pleasures, the flesh seeking fulfillments, the things your life doesn’t possess which bring about these miserable emotions that Satan wants to burn you with. Look at this story. REALLY, look at the story. The lame man was crippled, demanding compensation, alone, until God came and lifted him up. God took him in his hands, and STOOD him on his two feet. Silver and gold didn’t cause him to rise. Christ did. Silver and gold did not fix his problem. Christ did. Silver and gold never changed his circumstance. Christ DID. So, you could be the guy without the perfect set of abs, you could be the girl who never gets the guy, you could be the dude who lives pay check to pay check, you could be the woman who can’t get pregnant, you could be the man who lost his family, you could be the person who only has online friends. Or you could be me, who became so overwhelmed with disaster and hate, that I wanted to hurt myself and destroy everyone in my path. But, guess who changed that? Christ did. (and therapy).

Christ might not give you all the silver and gold you seek, but one thing that I KNOW he will give you, is unconditional love. HE will love you, and HE will change your circumstance, HE will transform your life and your loneliness, your anxieties, your stressors, your insecurities, your depression, all of it. So, no. I do not need silver and gold to walk, to stand, to crawl, or to sit. I just need God, and God alone. Not me, myself, and I. Not like I originally planned to write all those months ago. We are never alone. He is there. Whether you believe it or not… he believes in you, and he will help you walk again.

IF you related to anything I wrote today, about feeling lost, or feeling a sense of disappointment in your life that is impeding your ability to thrive, reach out to God. Even if you don’t know what you are doing, how to pray, or anything in the like, reach out and you shall receive. He is there. I swear it. Or, even reach out to me! I know this post was totally different from anything I have ever written on this page, but this was weighing on me today. I needed to share. By no means am I an expert in Christian Theology, but I do know he has changed me for the better and hopefully my vulnerability helps someone who might be feeling as I have felt. Happy October !